grudges

Yeah, so I've been really thinking about letting go of things in my past. I know there is a lot I've said I've forgiven, but lately I've been thinking and I know that I haven't completely let go. I'm realizing a lot about forgiveness...doesn't mean I really get it but I try. When things happen against me its easy for me to let it go and not hold it against them....when they aren't close. It's when those who are the closest to me that I really have a hard time and I bottle up and just hope that it never gets stirred up cause it will get bad. And yes being upfront would be the answer to that, but when its past that point...when its to the point that you should really be over it. I have just been looking at the relationships in my life and the things done to me that I'm not allowing to help me be stronger, more less they hurt me over and over again whenever it comes up. I guess fully understanding that forgiveness is more for me then the other person. It's hard cause when you forgive them and tell them u would hope things would change and unfortunately sometimes they don't and for some never will. I really wish I had Jesus' take on it all the time! I know that I can't but I really think I should think more serious before throwing out the i forgive you card....cause sometimes it just takes time and not only that but I want to mean it when I say it and it not come back to haunt me. Am I making sense? Maybe in my head atleast...lol! There is just so much to understand about relationships and so much we have to constantly be self aware of. I'm tryin!